I have to be very guarded with names here as whilst in Baltimore, I also hung out with a few less savoury folk than you might imagine.

The topics of which we spake included, but not limited to:

The Pussy Grab: Subtopics- Who does that?

What does that entail?

Have you ever been grabbed?

Have you ever performed the grab?

How would you react if a grab were aimed at your pussy?

Blumpkins: Subtopics- What is a blumpkin?

Have you performed a blumpkin?

Would you perform a blumpkin?

Would you receive a blumpkin?

What is a blumpkin called when received by a lady?

Flumpkins: See above.

There were many other things discussed.

But these kind of stuck in my mind and came up an awful lot.

Of course, the Trump is to blame for the grab, but really, think about it, what is a “Pussy Grab”? How does that work? Does one go for the cup or flat hand as if feeding the horse? But surely that would be more a touch than a grab? So if he goes for the grab, is it full hand tiger claw, or a two fingered pinch? Does he just go for the flaps or a hand full of mound? These questions and logistics kept us in good conversation off and on for days! I know it’s perhaps in poor taste, but yes we did indeed use the “I’m gonna grab you by the pussy” and many variants as a lowball insult on numerous occasion.

The blumpkin however, the blame for that falls squarely at one girl’s feet. To protect her identity, in this piece I will only refer to her as Brace Melz. I have no idea of where she pulled the blumpkin from but pull it she did. I have to say it is rare that I find myself being educated in such matters but this was a new level of depravity for even me. Much discussion, again sprawled across a few days as to the very nature of the blumpkin.

The blumpkin is the giving of oral sex to a man whom at the same moment is deficating.

We came to the conclusion that when the lady is on the receiving end, it is called a Flumpkin.

Some amongst our number having given this some thought decided they would much rather give the blumpkin than receive the flumpkin. The logistical nightmare and toxic choking hazard thad is the flumpkin giver blocking the vent/leg gap is something very few of us had considered before. One girl proclaimed “I couldn’t get a flumpkin, the only thing that I think it would achieve is that I would poo on someone’s face”.

So yeah. There you have it. Baltimore, home of the Blumpkin.

From here on out it is merely an uncomfortable roll down a bumpy hill in a barrel, apparently.