Pulling up to the drive, Conny and I are unsure if we have the right place…a lovely, large house, on an estate full of lovely large houses we wouldn’t want to park black beauty on some unexpectors drive…then, through the window, I spot her, Kiera Baines. Sister to Joseph F. Sidley, wife to Gary ‘Bainesy’ Baines, former babysitter to one David Alexander South Esquire and eldest silbing of the(former) over-the-back-fence-dwellers that are the Sidley clan. We are in the right place.

Kiera, hasn’t changed a bit, only now she reminds me more in her mannerisms than ever before of her mum Bash, this is definitely no bad thing for I love me some Bash (minds out of the gutters please). The plan: meet the family, stay a couple o’days, go to New Orleans for a day trip, spy an alligator.

It was a good plan, but we decided it’s so nice being here, we’d stay 6 nights!

The first evening was a simple affair, a bit of relax have a natter, a good cup of Yorkshire tea, and catch up. Last time I saw their eldest, Oliver, he was a baby, I hadn’t even met Isabelle before, he’s now 11 and she is 9. An awesome pair of youngsters, with an appropriate love for football, a kind temperament and especially with Izzy, a hint of mischief about them. At this point, I should point out, that I am known only as DavidSouth, not David, Dave, Southy, or even Muff like I used to be, to Izzy, I am DavidSouth.

The heat here is ridonculous. I expected warm but this was a step beyond. Evening one saw me play football with Izzy in the back yard and between the climate and the fatness of my being, the back, elbow and eyeball sweats were all in full force. I was spent after 15.

Day two, another scorcher, but Conny and I had a plan. We had booked with the help of Mrs Baines, who by rights should be on commission from the Louisiana tourist board, an airboat ride, scheduled for 2 o’clock we had lunch and set out in good time, maybe 5 minutes late but we called, they said no problem. What we didn’t factor in to this equation, something that Garmin might want to write some code for, is the ineptitude of folk capable of following directions, but not capable of spotting a giant sign pointing to our destination. We followed the Garmin to a T. But no boats, we drove up and down the levee looking for it, calling Kiera, but no avail, we drove on and on till we tought we must turn back…30 mins later we hit exactly the Garmin spot. Right in front of our eyes, the biggest sign you can think of pointing to exactly where we wanted to go. We were simply looking at the wrong side of the road.

Clearly, we missed the boat, in a very real and unfortunate fashion, still there was one at 4 we just had to wait, have a beverage and scour the net for some interesting stuff. The airboat was awesome.

Byron, our captain/pilot/guide looked tough as old boot leather, pretty sure he grew up here and lived here all his life, unless he spent a stint in the military, that wouldn’t surprise me. He knew those swamps like the back of his hand.

“It’s d’afternoon nah, so ahm gon take ye up a canal straight away where we can see some gators, cos dat’s whut ye folk normally curm fer.”

We all smile and done our ear muffs in the sweltering afternoon sun and bust out the dock and across the swamps. Never thought I’d say this, but I didn’t half like the wind in my beard, made me feel all gruff and manly. I get a tap on my left shoulder and follow where Byron’s finger is pointing, as we motor by a fat alligator waddles into the river. Now here was I thinking that was cool, good enough, alligator at distance is a nice and rare enough experience…but then he shuts the engine down and gestures to us to remove earmuffs.

“Ahn jus’ gonna idle up this canal, theys usually some gators up there, ol’uns un young’uns”

We gently cruise up and to the left, on the sunny banks a few small, say 5 feet, beasts plod into the river. The occasional set of eyes stare intently at our boat and slip beneath the surface. Byron perks up and says

“Oh y’all might be in luck…if this is de big dude, he a beast,, I can maybe get him to come closer, hand me dat cool box would ya?” he gestures at the feet of one of the passengers. Upon throwing a piece of steak in the general direction of a pair of eyes he says “ aww shoot, if that was him, he’d be making waves bah now…haven’t seen dat dude for a week or so, ever since this cold snap”

Cold snap?! COLD SNAP?! I’m sweating me pills off here and I got a serious case of batwings on the go, how on earth is this a cold snap?

“Aaaw no bother, ah’ll take y’all t’see his gurrlfriend up the way here, she’s a big gurrl and she’ll come to the boat”

We mosey on up and he points her out, about 8 or 9 feet, he brings her in with hand splashes in the water. Yes. He splashes his hands in the water in an alligator infested swamp. He says they won’t bite him or attack when Conny poses the question. “We got no crocodiles here! Dem dudes gonna bite ya, these’ll leave ya be ‘cept to protect dere babies or if ya provoke ‘em. Now…” he says grabbing some steak “if I don’t do dis right she gon take ma hand, she don’t know the difference between a steak and a hand, she cant see it, but if ah git bit, it’s mah fault, not hers. But we bin friends a long time now, she ain’t gon hurt me. You see families on here doe, alligators pa’em no mind. Crocodiles, demm nasty dangerous doe, we ain’t got none here, but dey big suckas too, dem dudes can be 22 feet or more” At this point he casually just puts the food in her open mouth and then lets her back off and slip under, he pulls the boat away and just as he does SPLASH! Something dark and slimy leaps for the boat right by my right shoulder. A jump and a pant stain later Byron laughs “no worries, dat jus an Asian-carp, dey do dat, th’other day a tour boat of ol’folk had one of’em jump on to de boat, hit an ol’ lady in de hed, sent her to hospital…huhuhuh, but yeah, dat furst time mek ye jump, huhuhuh”

He pulls us up to the bank and explains, this is his friend’s lair. As we get closer we see loads of baby alligators on the bank, he chips in, again “nah, like ah said, she and I are old friends ‘bout 20 years now, normal folk she’d be up on us, if I try and handle one, she’d be right in this boat, it’s amazin’ how fast she could join us on this thing if we push her, an’ you don’t want dat, huhuhuh”

No, we don’t. Byron, upon my question the size of his motor, then takes us for a spin on the water and into the shallows where that thing can hit 60 mph, and gives it a flex, with a couple of turns and donuts to boot. Airboats, if one ever visits this place are defo a must. It was phenominal and I could not recommend Byron and his impeccably trimmed beard any more.

That night we head out for dinner and drinks with some friends of the Baines’s, Lou and John, and Sandy and Kevin. A nicer bunch of Americans one could not meet. I was Mr David, and my cohort Miss Conny, Lou as she welcomed us into her home had already taken time to note my non-preference for booze and flesh and offered me a choice of beverages accordingly. She also noted Miss Conny’s preference for booze and flesh and also offered Miss Conny a drink. I think she has a heavy pour. Miss Conny and Kiera were already sozzled one drink in by the time we headed to the restaurant.

The restaurant, although not massively vegetarian minded served me up a treat. Restaurants for me are more often than not a place for me to eat as much fried stuff as I can as we don’t fry at home. This was a veritable banquet for me, cheese sticks, onion rings, chips and a grilled cheese. All that batter and fat and friedness. Amazing. Miss Conny tried catfish and ate some shrimp, she also grabbed Kiera’s boobs in a surprise attack, but that is a different story.

We headed back to Lou and John’s where they put the game on their big screen, Sandy, a native Chicagoan and Cubs fan, explained to me that this world series was a big deal as one team hadn’t one in 40 something years and the other in 108. To me it seemed like a game of rounders, but these folk love it. When I say big screen…this thing was ridiculous, a ten foot high projection in crystal clear image, the players were life size at times. I want one (TV, not player, gutter folk).

The night done, we said goodbye after many laughs and good chat with a thoroughly lovely bunch.

The next morning we were greeted again by the lovely Lou, this time bringing a box of delicious donuts complete with scary Halloween teeth. She gave us some tips for our impending trip to New Orleans and away we went.

New Orleans is a place apart. The old french quarter pretty much what you’d expect. The architecture, Bourbon Street is fun, but messy, worth a pop in small doses, there are definitely some sights to see, the people in costume and smashed at 3 in the afternoon are quite amusing, the dancers and acrobats, the bands playing in the bars. Worth a walk. We ate gumbo at Palace Cafe, we listened to jazzy blues on Frenchman Street and ate beignets at Cafe du Monde. We bumped into another pair of van travellers in a coffee house, saw the gothy art of the markets and passed the Halloween parade, then decided to head home. Conny and I have become old and dull, so we left the night to the revellers. I am saddened however, as a man and lover of the boob, that I saw not a single one exposed. I pretty much thought that was why New Orleans was famous and is about 93% of the reason I went, the other 7% is a split between fried things and music. Heartbroken we moseyed back to Baines Basecamp.

Sunday, was football day, Oliver scored the winner in his game a perfect penalty, worthy even of the youtube and Izzy ruled the roost in her game, a towering central defensive display of brawn and skill. Sadly her team was overcome by a couple of nippy wingers but still, she impressed enough to have the coach of the local select team come over and discuss her potential and highlight their interest in her joining their ranks. Pretty good day I’d say.

The Tabasco factory was the outing for Monday. Incredible really, given the standards of hygiene for food production these days that they are still allowed to age their pepper mix in those old crusty barrels and that all of the worlds Tobasco comes from that warehouse. We tasted their wares, Sweet and Spicy along with the Raspberry Chipotle were clear favourites and the ketchup with a punch is not too shabby either. We even encountered some casual racism at the door when the guy in the cabin at the barrier, upon learning we were from Austria said “My glocks are from Austria. Got 4 of’em. I used to be a cop. Good guns”

“I wouldn’t know” I replied “we don’t have many glocks in Austria, I think they all came here”

“Well you can take some back then…take some them black folk too” he smiles and wishes us a nice day as the barrier lifts. That guy used to enforce the law. Imagine that.

Monday evening was Halloween.

We euro folk kind of get Halloween, but not like the yanks. They go all out. Shawn and Kelly came over with a few costumed kids and they set about collecting their haul. The boys with giant buckets, Izzy even bust out a wagon for hers. It is quite sweet to see the kids and give them a little fright. There is some debate as to what level is appropriate. Conny and I may have crossed the line a couple of times. We definitely had a couple of runners before they even got the candy, a couple of non-footsetters-even-on-the-driveway when they saw us. We did get a couple of cynical little blighters “This isn’t scary” or “That axe in your head isn’t real, you’re a fake”. My retort “Well you’re not a real Elf!” I know I should have let it slide, but I just couldn’t.

Tuesday came and it was time for the day of doing stuff…Conny made a to do list…book accomodation for Rarotonga, clean van, do laundry, write website, find San Fran accomodation, prolong Black Beauty. Some was accomplished, some semi accomplished but at least now we are ready for the off. Well sort of, it’s now Wednesday and I’m writing this last bit, but hey, next it’s onwards to El Paso!

Thank you Baines’s. You have been wonderful. Your home, friends and family have been fantastic to us and Conny and I have really had a blast getting reacquainted or acquainted with you all and must do it sooner rather than later if we can!