Malaysia. Kuala Lumpur to be exact. The first stop on our Asia leg of the mosey. More Proton and Perodua cars than you can shake a stick at and home of some of the most horrendous driving I have ever witnessed. Fuck me am I thankful for Uber here. I’d have been dead in minutes. Either that or I would have been overwhelmed by the fumes of my own bowels emptying each time I attempt a manoeuvre. Boy is this place a shock. Our first lesson, never trust a booking.com picture or description of a room for rent. Pudu 88 was ok. Not spotless, not ‘nice’ but definitely acceptable. It was however a bit stinky and nothing like what we expected. Still, it was cheap and in a great location. From where we were we were in striking distance of all that KL had to offer. If that is we could negotiate the traffic without succumbing to actual death. The streets are mental. Cars bikes vans everywhere, swerving and honking. Pedestrian crossings are merely suggestions of where you are entitled to chance your luck with marginally better odds of not getting mowed down. We swiftly learned to follow the locals, strength in numbers and such. There were however some public transport stations close by, and they more often than not had entrance via footbridge. The public transport in KL is great. A little confusing with which lines go where, but I would hazard a guess that that is more owed to the completely unfamiliarity of foreign names than it is to the system itself. I have a theory that it helps being familiar with the words themselves that make up the names when understanding what’s what regarding the lines and where they go.

KL is a strange place. Massively capitalist, which in itself leans against my sensibilities, there is building and ‘progress’ left right and centre. As a result, the city is quite mucky, but not unpleasantly so. Plus, when you factor in the climate here, it would be almost impossible for the city to maintain the cleanliness seen in some of the nicer cities we have visited, plus all cities, by their very nature produce mess and clutter. What I would say, is that the people are friendly, helpful, and at no point did I feel worried.

Our first day proper there, we went for a walk in the shadow of the twin towers, at which point the heavens broke. Fuck me I have never been in a thunder storm like it. A couple of hours of intense rain lashing down while booming thunder, louder than anything I heard while living in the Swiss Alps, bounced around the skyscrapers. It was near deafening at times and the sky was pierced with brilliant forks of electric light all around us. I would have loved to have been up one of the towers when this hit. Alas, Conny and I were stuck in a tiny pagoda in the park, which by the time it was done had started to flood, we didn’t even wait for the end, we chanced it in a momentary lull, although not complete stop of the rain to run back to the shopping centre for a coffee.

This leads nicely into lesson two.

Everything in Malaysia seems to be sweet. Coffee, more often than not comes loaded with sugar, and if you want it white, artificial creamer. Tea, sweet. Bread, sweet, Butter(probably margarine), sweet. Even when you ask for no sugar, its sweet. That is if it’s not monumentally fishy. One dinner we had was with some acquaintances…Conny could not believe the level of fishiness in everything that was on the table (except my vegetables). Not only mildly fishy, but that pungent, stinky shrimp paste fishiness. Conny, had her fill of fish for a while. On the whole though, once you realise how to negotiate the food and it’s sweetness and/or fishiness, it is spectacular. And spectacularly cheap. Its not cheap everywhere, if you try and be western you will get poor imitations of western food loaded with shit and you will pay a pretty penny for it. However, the key is sticking to where the locals eat. Bistros from food cart kitchens under little tents, Conny and I had a full dinner each with a cup of tea and it cost 2€ for the lot. Food courts in the clearly local malls and not the western ones, China town, and little India. All have really good food, really cheap. All could quite easily cater for vegetarians too. So long as you explain no meat, no fish, no chicken, no oyster or fish sauce, you are grand.

We were lucky enough to know some folk here in Malaysia, so we went up the Maxis tower for a view of the city. To be honest we had no idea of how vast it was, we thought that in the days leading up with our little expeditions here and there we had seen most of it. Nope. We had seen but a fraction. We were never going to cover all this area in one stay. We did get around a bit though. We went to the National Mosque. Hardly a classic piece of architecture but nice all the same, and nice that we infidels, so long as we held respect to some of their customs were allowed to take a look around and learn a bit about how Islam is done here.

I have to say, the most overwhelming and heartening impression of Malaysia and it’s people that I get is one of tolerance and multiculturalism. At least from an outsiders perspective the mix of different peoples, religions and ethnicities here is wonderful. Their cultures happily co-existing alongside and among one another. With all this talk of Islam being the devil in the world it’s easy to forget that when done right, it IS a religion of peace and respect to others. Malaysia is a shining example (as far as I can see, I wouldn’t claim to know if there are any problems further beneath the surface) of a Muslim nation that doesn’t adhere to the framework that many believe to be what Islam is about due to the proliferation of Isis and it’s relative coverage in the media. Personally I am not a fan of any religion, but I am a fan of people having the ability to choose their own way to live, so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. It is often made out that Islam is the bad guy, and while it does have a disproportionate number of madheads at the moment, that is no worse than the current crop of madheads of Christianity (and don’t get me started on the good old “when has Christianity done anything like ISIS” stupidity), Judaism and even Buddhism has it’s extremist murderous monks. Atheists have the exact capacity to be extremists, and as the apparent proponents of rational thinking have the least justification for doing it (the war on Christmas anyone?). Point is, it was pleasant to see that country can be considered to be of a given religion or belief and particularly one that is oft demonised for it’s intolerance, but those within that country are allowed to practice as they will without persecution.

Speaking of religion, we headed out one day to the Batu caves. 272 steps up the side of a cliff, the temple and its surrounding buildings seem to be in a permanent state of repair, like much of KL, but what did surprise me was monkeys. Loads of monkeys, I saw one steal something from a guys pocket, others just chilling on the railings. The temple itself was beautiful, if a little lost on me, the cave magnificent, but for the humans. I must say, I don’t like humans much. Particularly traveller type/touristy ones, I know, ironic given that is exactly what I am (although I try to minimise my twattishness, I am sure I invariably fail). Not people who go to places and look and learn and/or appreciate, but those fuckwits who go to a place, stand next to a sign that says “don’t feed the monkeys” while they not only feed the monkeys, but encourage their child to. Then guess what, the next child or tourist sees it, and you have several monkey feeders there. As I said, fuckwits. Plus the amount of litter created by us human folks. Admittedly the Malay people seem to be as bad as the tourist folk at this. This is a human condition, I have noticed everywhere that there is a concentration of humans, there is a disregard for what to do with one’s spent packaging or waste.

Moving on from such topics, once we were done with KL we decided to head to the Cameron Highlands. Up in the mountains it was a few hours by bus to the rolling hills of the tea plantations. The weather sadly was not in our favour as we took a trip up one of South Asia’s highest mountains and through one of it’s oldest forests. It was muddy, and wet, and cloud meant that there was essentially no view. We did however get to go to the BOH tea plantation and factory, plus the weather cleared. We were with some of the more obnoxious kind of traveller in our convoy as we headed to the Strawberry farm and the Butterfly farm, one of their number asking the driver if we could leave, just of her own accord, and then the whole group of four just walking in the butterfly farm past the lady at the booth, not paying as if to say ”what are you going to do about it?” It really pissed me off particularly as one of the girls reminded me of one of my favourite Danish people, if not people in general, only this one was taller, Dutch and a dickhead.

Our original plan at this point had been to head in to Teman Nagara national park, for a bit of trekking and such, but, given that the weather was only suggesting big storms for days, we opted to head straight for the coast and the island of Penang, particularly it’s old town, Georgetown.

This place is a marvel. I kind of imagine it to be what I expect Cuba to be like, if only Cuba had a population of South Asians and the long gone rule of the British Empire. It is a world heritage site, which means the buildings will stay structurally at least as they are, their facades are notably adorned with some of the most beautiful murals and street art I have ever seen. From tiny little cats (apparently these are done in support for the local animal welfare charity) to the large three story paintings with sculpture and anything else in between. It truly is a breathtaking part of the world to just walk around and take in. That multicultural thing I mentioned, on one street here you have the central mosque, the incense of a Buddhist temple, right by a Christian church and a Hindu temple.

I mentioned the food in KL, the food in Cameron highlands was good, but we chose to eat at a local Indian each day that was cheap and tasty. The food in Georgetown however is about as good as food gets. I’m not talking artsy fartsy high falutin’ stuff. Street food. They have halls, with every kind of food available, all tasty and quite nice. Better still, they have genuine street carts, often clustered on street corners and you will see locals in either of these, they sell snack bits that you can taste or put together and make a meal, all super cheap, some entirely vegetarian, others of no known origin, probably all entirely delicious. Not only do they have awesome food, but awesome coffee. Not everywhere admittedly, but it is easy to get a good one. In KL the only good one I had cost me 13 ringgit, whereas an entire meal could cost 16 ringgit. Here, for about 6-8 ringgit you could get a nice coffee, for example at the post card shop down by the port, opposite the Container hotel. There they have Illy coffee and sell some beautiful postcards and trinkets inspired by Georgetown’s street art. My personal favourite was called Easy Drip coffee. A stunning coffee bar and local roast house. They roast their beans in a roasting room in house, you can even go in and watch, chat and discuss with the proprietor. She loves her coffee, and knows an awful lot about it, she even gave us a lesson in roasting and how the location of the bean and it’s roast affects the flavour of the coffee.

We stayed at the Little India Heritage Villa, which was a pleasantly clean and lovely place with a delightful chirpy chap on reception/shop duty. It really was as perfect as we could have wished for again as everywhere was in walking distance plus right by a stop of the free circular bus. At this point I should include the standout place in Conny’s opinion. We had dined some way across the city, in China Town, Conny had required dumplings. But for dessert, she required something sweet from a bakery we saw down by the port. Conny informed me that when she had walked in before she had got a whiff of what they did there and it was apparently the greatest smelling bakery in existence. Obligingly I trekked the breadth of the city to fulfil her fancy, admittedly with a treat in it for me at the end. I walked in and was hit by the smell. Fucking delicious, I eye the sweet pastry balls that this place clearly specialises in and think the salted egg and caramel sounds intriguing, at which point Conny asks if they are all vegetarian.

“No”

“What there are some that aren’t?”

“No, they all aren’t”

“Excuse me?”

“We make them all with only chicken fat”

Fuck. Conny said they were delicious.

Otherwise, our only day trip was what we as tourists are supposed to do, and head up the hill on the funicular railway. Which we did. We had breakfast saw a fucking weird giant squirrel, and spoke some Chinese for some kids doing a project. I am pretty sure they tricked us into name calling ourselves but who cares. It is a nice view up there and could at times be quite relaxing to be out of it all. That is until we realised it was a Saturday and there was a large fun run event on. The place was swarmed with sweaty runner folk, and going down on the train I truly wanted to punch children, square in the face. Not only were they the last of three queues to line up, but when we were asked to move on to the train they rushed and pushed and cut in with no regard. Fine by me, but not the elderly couple in front of me or the chap with downs syndrome to my left. They piled in the car, massively over filling it with their stinky sweaty paws all over us. Not only at this point did I want to punch their faces but puke on them too. I held my nerve.

Next and last on the list for Malaysia was Langkawi. An island by the Thai border in the Andaman Sea.

We got off the ferry and headed for town, having not booked anywhere. Conny, being a bit shit at the backpacker thing, and not really into the walking in sweaty heat thing, was starting to flag as we neared the first motels. Add to this that the first one looked like we might die, the second we didn’t even reach as we saw a dead snake which left Conny hyperventilating, we had to make alternate arrangements. I left Conny at a stand with a beverage and the bags and went off on foot. I secured us a clean room in a hotel with our own shower and breakfast included. It was pleasant although double the price we were looking for. It did however have wifi which meant we could look for suitable lodgings for the next few days. Conny tells me she’s found a gem and asks if she can book. Of course, I say, without checking. It turns out that it wasn’t even on the island, which Conny hadn’t noticed. It was in fact on an entirely different island. We had to get a ferry out the next morning. The ferry itself doesn’t have a schedule per say. You kind of wait until its full. Luckily for us, that happened after the monsoon like storm that hit the moment we got to the pier. Then we got off the boat and tried to call our host, but my phone no longer worked. We were given the direction of the place by the locals and set out in the sweltering heat. Fifteen minutes later we came across some huts, Conny asked if this was the place, the lady said yes and got her husband. He sat us down, asked if we had booked, put the fans on, checked our booking. Then told us that this isn’t the place. That we need to go another five minutes down the road, but if we don’t get a room there we can pick one at his place!

Further down the road we come to Barkat Chalet. It’s no Ritz. It’s a little rough’n’ready, but that is what we were described and expected. It was right on the sea and then when we couldn’t see anyone we called out.

A voice from the sea called back “Hello!” and a head popped up from behind a boat. Our host, now friend, Shades was coming to welcome us. His wife Bara popped out and gave us a coke, while Shades came and rather than just giving us the keys and getting back to it, sat down for a chat. He offered us use of his canoes, his scooter, as and when we want free of charge, “live freely” was his motto. They offered us food at a discount daily due to our vegetarianism and really we were blown away by the hospitality. It was indeed an accident to go there, but it was a very happy accident in the end. We truly couldn’t have wanted more. The place has three funny dogs bounding around, my favourite of which was a stray who recently just joined the pack, somewhat randomly, he is called Mafia. There were eagles hunting and diving all over the shop, there were water buffalo that lazed in front of our beach. We went kayaking, we rode the scooter around the island and across the ricketiest of rickety bridges on to the next island. Shades and Bara took us out for tea with another guest, Adi. Everything was marvellous. Adi, is a frequent flyer at Barkat Chalet. He loves the place so much he comes every couple of months and is even building his own hut there. He helps Shades and Bara out a bit and looks after the likes of us, he is an all round lovely guy. He even came to fetch Conny and I one evening as he had heard us speak of bioluminescent plankton. So two nights we got to partake in this natural wonder. At around midnight, with high tide we went swimming and sure enough the further from the light of the land you go, the more you notice it. The water, wherever you disturb it glows green. Flickers of magic at your fingertips turn into clouds of glowing light with a swipe of a hand. Light bursts as you stroke forward, dripping through my beard and chest hair as I roll. Fucking amazing. It is hard to put into words other than that. Fucking Amazing.

Adi also took us out in his boat, up and down the river, giving us both a go at the helm.

I really could not rate this place enough. If you want to relax, enjoy a hammock or two, make some good friends and enjoy the beauty of somewhere very different, this place is it.