We clambered aboard the night train, and were aware immediately that it wasn’t what we expected. I’m not entirely sure what I expected. Perhaps cabins with bunks on either side and a narrow walkway along one side. Kind of like I would expect to see in an old Poirot film or something. But no. We were found our seats, that were two seats facing each other with a bunk at the top that folds away. The train eventually got into motion and we were handed the menu for dinner. Entirely meaty and as such not great for the likes of me. Conny had already had some seafood soup from her favourite street seller in Bangkok, but just incase I had stocked up on crisps for later.

As later came by and the sleeping car had filled up with it’s mandatory fill of Germans, the Loud American and a couple o’Frenchies, I decided to head for a wander. To my delight I went to the “facilities” and found the loo was a throne around a hole in the floor. Even in the dark of night and the bottom of a toilet I could see the train tracks whizzing by. The whole thing was a very rickety old affair. And all the more charming for it. I am pretty sure one guy/girl either really wanted to see me pee, or just didn’t believe the engaged sign/non movement of the door, because there was an awful lot of trying to get in. Plus peeing takes longer on a wobbly train. There has to be a certain level of stream control and aim employed combined with a strong arm all whilst using a sturdy leg stance. The last thing I want is to be whacked by a spectator tumbling through. Next on my wander I was taken to the food car, a dingy looking dining area, and at the back, a proper kitchen, with actual food being cooked. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I turn to walk back to my seat as my belly let out a vexed grumble, but then, lo and behold! A menu! With the word vegetarian on it, I did not hesitate and ordered one up right away.

“Would you like to eat that here or should I serve it at your seat Sir?”

“Really, you can do that?” I replied, my face a radiant shade of awe.

“Of course Sir”

“I don’t know really, whatever suits you, what’s easiest?”

“Go, sit!”

I took my seat with a beaming content that was evidenced as Conny pointed out the look of a happy Cheshire cat amongst my usually drab and frustrated looking features.

“There’s a vegetarian menu” I marvel

Conny looks less impressed, but still happy I get some food.

I see the waiter striding to me tray in hand, but just as he gets there he plops the tray to one side and as if by waiter-magic he pulls a table out from nowhere, he sets it up and then delivers my meal.

A vegetable stirfry dish, some rice, some soup and some weird tofu/mushroom/awesome thing that I never expected on a train. Even some banana cake I had requested for Conny’s benefit and a coffee to boot! “Winner, winner, non-chicken dinner” I thought to myself as I unceremoniously destroy it.

Just as I am finishing my last morsels I see what had come to be an expected sight making it’s way toward me and us. It had started earlier on in the evening, as the train had got underway, there was an occasional clacking and shuffling down the other end of the carriage and then I noticed any unmanned seating was being expertly set into beds by a young and feminine featured man. He daintily pulled the bunk down and with precise swiftness and a couple of slaps in the right place made the bottom seats slide together as one bed. He then took the bedding and curtains down from the top and made both beds, lickety split and just like that in a flash. As the evening drew on and I was eating my meal I heard “I want to make your bed now” from a couple of docks down and a bit of confusion as Germans stood in the aisle and the familiar clacks and slaps rang out. Then one dock closer. Then just as I finished dinner, the waiter was upon me a split second before “Iwant to make your bed now” was directed at us.

We watched a movie in bed (sticking with railway orientated fare we watched Hatchiko, Conny cried). Then I moved on up to the top. If I am honest I didn’t sleep too well. I think its a bit like a boat, the gentle rocks down below are only amplified up top. Bashed about a bit I did manage a bit, when not being disturbed by a loud banging that I firstly assumed some train employee would address and secondly was way too lazy to investigate myself. The morning came around and we emerged an hour or so before we got to Chiang Mai. I went to use the facilities and was again tickled by the movement below the poo hole, but I set about my business of a number 1. I was happy to see we were going slowly at this point through the window, as were the spectators gathered at the crossing as they raised a giggle and a cheer! They were either laughing with me or at me, or even marvelling at my skills, but that’s a blank I shall let your mind fill in.

Our hostel at Chiang Mai was Manon Hostel, a little place off a back street, off a side street, off an alleyway…the taxi had a little trouble finding it, but we got there. I was another basic double, a fan, a bed, not much else, but it was clean and quite cute in an old fashioned traditionally hutty kind of way. We liked it. The owner was super nice and helpful too. We got chatting to a lovely young lady, Holly, and decided to go to the local Thai Boxing night.

I fucking loved it. It wasn’t the grandest of spectacles and the arena was only half full but the fights were excellent. The practitioners were some of them kids, some of them adults, all of them tough as balls. Some fights were a little more subdued but even in these the hits were hard. Some fights were hell for leather. One even included an English girl and I was convinced she was going to get the shit kicked out of her by a Thai lady. First round she looked ropey. Flat footed, a bit scared of a proper dust up so to speak, but then in the second she loosened up. By the third she had snapped a front kick into the Thai fighter’s face (both to my surprise, and the Thai girl’s I think) and by the end of the fight she was dominating. A well won victory.

Only one fight of six was stopped early and I can’t even say I saw what happened it was a blink and you’ll miss it TKO from in a clinch a knee was thrown and a chap was doubled as I can only assume a rib or two had snapped.

To be honest there isn’t much to Chiang Mai. It has a lot of temples, way too many to see. Whilst we were there we decided to partake in a cooking course. There were quite a few that were based in town, but we elected to go to an organic farm with a cooking school attached. Our teacher was Ken, a cuddly bear type dude, he clearly liked his food and clearly knew how to cook it having several years in several professional kitchens. He was a funny bugger too. I have to say the school was great. We learned some techniques and combos, ate way too much food and had a good laugh. The food really was quite simple but wholly delicious and we got to make it from scratch with the simplest of ingredients. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t mind blowing information, I can cook as it is and would have a good stab in the dark at those dishes but being shown and tasting it was ace. Plus we got the cook book to take home. We also went to a hot spring down the road as part of our trip…but really it was 30° and it was only for your feet, so was entirely unnecessary. I would however recommend the course simply because it is nice to get into the real Thai countryside and see a farm and a market not geared towards tourists. Ken and the cooking course really was great. Better still was that we even had enough leftovers to feed Conny and I plus Holly(who didn’t even come on the course) when we got back to the hostel for tea.

The next day was lazy. Some strolling, seeing of temples and markets, we did find a cracking little backstreet with some coffee shops and beautiful street art, plus at the end was a bakery, attached to an Irish pub. We headed back to that pub later that evening. First we stopped at a rooftop bar. Somewhat misnomered THC bar, it has a certain connotation. Much to the chagrin of one Brit Expat who was told he could not smoke the chunk of weed he had in his pocket there. His disgruntlement only grew when Conny pointed out that he was smoking a cigarette under a no-smoking sign. He was even defiant, I would hazard a guess that he assumed Conny was one of those smoking police types who will ask you not to smoke near them. When she informed him that she didn’t give two fucks about his smoking as he is entitled to if he chooses, but the fact that we were on a building constructed of some very dry bamboo, he did become a little more polite.

Holly however had a craving for a pie. Having seen them at the bakery earlier, Conny and I were happy to inform her they looked awesome. So to the pub we went and fine pies were munched.

I liked talking to Holly. She’s a young girl, recently university’d, but she is also bright and a bit of a thinker. We talked philosophy and politics and such. Normally topics that can land a hard brained softy like me in hot and deep water. But she is smart enough to understand that we may differ on our opinions to the solutions, as her approach leans more right as opposed to my left leans, we want essentially the same thing, good shit for everyone.

Our next destination was Chiang Rai. It was on this bus we met another wise young soul, Ivan. This time from Switzerland. Again only a youngster, but a youngster with a brain. Much like Holly, he isn’t your average “young traveller” (this nomenclature will become apparent and appropriate in my next piece I will some times refer to them as YTCs). Having travelled a good way and still got a bit to go, he’s enjoying himself, but he also appreciates that coming to these places teaches you to appreciate back home in Europe, particularly us in our Germanic parts of the world. I’m a bit tired of the “experience” this and “culture” that of the “young traveller” because really they appear or claim to come here for both yet are blinkered to either. But again, more of that in the next piece. However, Ivan, as Conny and I have discussed, can’t fucking wait to be able to eat Fondue or Käsespätzle and the wonders of good dairy. We will be happy in areas of outstanding natural beauty without the need to sweat profusely through ones eyeballs. It’s not that we are not enjoying our “experience” or witnessing and learning about different “culture”. We are just also honest that its quite good where we are from too, and we don’t have to pretend that the world is “sooooooooo much better in Thailand, I wish I was there”. If I’m honest I like complete pavements and no piles of litter on the floor on my way to the pub. It was quite refreshing to meet someone with the same thoughts and balls to say it.

We stopped the bus at the White Temple in Chiang Rai. If I may have mentioned that the temples are numerous, and may have conveyed that if you have seen one you have seen them all. This one doesn’t fit that bill. Part Sci-fi, part Gothic horror with a Buddha in the middle it is a sight to behold. As you get to the walkway in front, there is a pond of arms reaching to you, for what appears to be dear life. The donation pots are hollowed out skulls suspended amongst monsters that are eating other monsters. The surrounds are populated with things that look like power rangers or pokemon. It’s all a bit fucked up. Chiang Rai itself is nothing more than a gate way to Laos in reality. Yes it has a night market where Conny got a nice hotpot (a clay Fondue Chinoise affair, where you cook your own food in a broth, I would have loved to try it but sadly the only had Chicken broth) and yes the main strip is nice and neat. But really we were only there to get the bus to Laos. Oh and it has the Cat Cafe (Cat’n’a Cup, to be precise) A fucking bonkers idea. A cafe, where you eat or drink surrounded by cats. We went in for breakfast, we chose to eat that out in the no cat zone. However, afterwards we headed in for coffee and Uno. The cats, for the most part, were aloof, nonchalent…as cats do tend to be. There was the odd one that would come for a stroke, some lay there being as handsome as they could, others were probably plotting murderous ways to destroy us and take over the world once they had eaten us. Others were super cute. There was one fluffball that bit Conny. That made me smile. But seriously, the coffee is decent, the breakfast was nice and the cats as entertainment is so fucking bizarre it can’t be anything but brilliant.

Next stop Laos. We had booked a van to the border to a slowboat down to Luang Prabang, 30 seconds in to the bus ride, I could tell that my piss was on heat and soon to be boiling. I thought someone might even die. That you can read about in the next piece.